Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
