Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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