shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
