Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
my liver is dry heaving
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
