Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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