omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
No subtext here. People are naked.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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