So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
