i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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