You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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