fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
