you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
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Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
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As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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