He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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