Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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