There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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