he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
