I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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