im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
