chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
