Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
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Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
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did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.