Well apparently he's into motor boating.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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