just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
