I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
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the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
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If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The ass gains better be worth it
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