just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
