Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
