I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
