I hate all girls vehemently.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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