how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize