how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
