Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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