You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Is Oprah even human
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
