I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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