My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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