remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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