I just saw a hot homeless man
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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