Will you blow on my dice?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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