What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
