I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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