Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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