the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
