"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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