Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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