I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
