Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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