He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
