I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
a search helicopter?!
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
