So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
