It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
