So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
