I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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