Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You are the jesus of drinking
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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