I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
