My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
