just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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