she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
