Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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