watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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