he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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