All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
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Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
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I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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